


show you all the bad if you love me

by rachelbailey



Series: got secrets you won't see on stage [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Established Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 11:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7843021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelbailey/pseuds/rachelbailey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Apparently you two never hug or kiss each other,” Violet explains, “and Kandy told me that she heard you call Trixie “your dad’s fuckboy” once. That’s not exactly the most romantic thing in the world, is it?”</p><p>“They just don’t get real romance,” Katya huffs and glances at Trixie. “Right, Tracy?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	show you all the bad if you love me

**Author's Note:**

> title form Ugly by Courtney Act, inspiration from kate-boosh's art on tumblr <3

They’ve been dating for two days when Katya announces that she’s dropping French. When Trixie frowns in confusion (Katya’s literally the best student in the class, she’s very good with languages) Katya laughs and explains that she’s only dropping the easy level French and moving on to the advanced level. Trixie nods, but her face falls. The French classes have been okay only because of Katya. She has no idea how she’s going to survive the classes without Katya.

Well, easy French has to survive without them. Katya switches to advanced level and Trixie burns her French book in the fireplace. Well, not actually, Katya doesn’t let her to “torture the poor book like that”, but she would really like to see the damn book go down in flames. Katya laughs at her again, pats her back and tells her that there’s easier ways to let out frustration than burning books. Trixie blushes wildly and that only makes Katya laugh harder. 

Turns out that Katya’s way of letting out frustration doesn’t include fire or any of the other things she had in mind. It includes a cake mix and an apron. And, Trixie notices, a kitchen covered in flour. She didn’t even know Katya could bake.

“Well, I can’t. What’s the fun in doing things you already can do?” Trixie could live to be 85 and wrinkly, but she will never understand Katya’s logic in life. That’s okay. Trixie’s pretty sure that Katya herself doesn’t always understand it.

“German chocolate or French vanilla?” Katya asks, holding two different packages. Trixie shudders at the mere thought of something French and points at the chocolate cake mix.

“Tracy, mon amour, don’t tell me you’re traumatized?”

“You spent the same amount of time in that classroom as me. I’m surprised if you’re not traumatized.” Their French teacher, Mrs. Visage, was a strict woman with many unflattering nicknames. There were a few students who liked her, but the rest didn’t even want to talk about her. Katya had apparently liked her, but Trixie wasn’t a fan.

“Mr. Rice traumatized me enough. I don’t think anyone over the age of two should wear glittery leggings.”

“True enough, mon… Fuck, add a cutesy thing in French there. I can’t speak French,” Trixie says, her smile wide.

“Aww. I can’t believe you just called me the cutest girl in the whole wide world. The legendary, the unbelievable, the most amazing, Katya!”

“Even my grandma is cuter than you, you birdwoman of Alcatraz.”

“She’s dead, Tracy. Let it go,” Katya screeches, clearly trying to be overdramatic.

“Exactly. Even a corpse is cuter than you.”  
“Shut up and put this apron on. I got a pink one just for you, darling,” Katya says, giving a hot pink apron to Trixie. Trixie puts it on and makes a dramatic face.

“Well, how do I look?”

“Ridiculous. I don’t even know why they consider hot pink an acceptable color.”

“Ridiculous sounds good. I can do ridiculous.”

Either Trixie is a really good cook or Katya is not nearly as bad as she claims to be, because their German chocolate cake ends up being really good. Well, Trixie’s hair is covered in flour and Katya chipped three nails, but at least they have cake. 

“Maybe I should study German,” Trixie muses, “they make good cake.”

“This cake is like, 100% American. Or 75%, considering that it was made by a Russian.”

“Multicultural baking lessons by Katya and Trixie. We should have our own TV show.”

“Who watches TV anymore? Let’s just become super famous Youtubers!” Katya suggests with an excited tone. “We could be millionaires!”

“Sure, and then we will buy a dog and get a mortgage,” Trixie sighs, “but could we just eat cake now?”

 

*

When the student counsellor starts talking about the obligatory foreign language again, Trixie is forced to make a choice. French is a no-no, the Korean class is still full, Spanish doesn’t interest her. She thinks about doing Russian for a second, but Katya firmly tells her not to.

”Literally. I can teach you to speak Russian faster than you can learn the cyrillic alphabet in that class,” Katya sighs, ”and I’ll also teach you some curse words that the teacher hasn’t even heard of.” That deal sounds pretty good, so Trixie agrees not to take Russian. She knows that Katya won’t probably teach her anything else than the curse words, but that’s okay. With Katya, curse words are all she needs.

That still leaves her with a problem. Russian was her best choice, but after the deal with Katya, it’s out of the picture. At the end of the day, after the counsellor has switched his tone from supportive to completely fed up, Trixie ends up with German. It’s not the ideal, but it’s not French or Spanish. At least the Germans make good cake.

After a few classes, Trixie realizes that she probably should’ve stuck with French. At least then Katya could’ve helped her with her homework or even done them completely. With German, it’s different. Katya doesn’t speak German and neither do any of Trixie’s friends. She’s left all alone with substantives and weird pronunciation. When Trixie complains about this to Katya, she just laughs and tells her that there’s worse things in life. Like Barbie dolls in blue dresses.

”You’re not a very good girlfriend,” Trixie deadpans and gets a horrified gasp from Katya.

”What are you talking about, you over-grown Barbie doll?” Katya says dramatically, ”I’m the best girlfriend anyone could dream of. I smoke too much, I can’t cook and I love weird alien movies. What else could you want?”

”That’s true, but Contact is still a fucking horrible movie.”

”Now who’s not a very good girlfriend?”

 

*

They’re having a movie night again. Katya insists on watching Contact, and to everyone’s surprise, Trixie agrees. She doesn’t agree because she wants to see the movie, she really doesn’t, but because Katya has been watching a lot of Barbie movies with her. Usually they do a compromise and just watch Disney movies, because they have enough pretty girls and dresses for Trixie and just enough weird stuff and talking animals for Katya.

Even though Trixie doesn’t like the movie, she likes watching Katya while they watch it. Katya’s excitement is a sight for sore eyes - she smiles brightly and laughs at her favourite scenes. For more than a few times Katya grabs Trixie and tells her that the next scene is her absolute favourite, and over time Trixie finds herself watching the movie carefully. Most of the time she is just trying to figure out why Katya loves it so much. It’s too long, too boring, and the people don’t even wear pink. 

After Jodie Foster has returned from her weird trip to the loophole and the credits appear to the screen, Katya starts clapping.

“Five stars! Ten out of ten! A modern classic!” Trixie is pretty sure that Katya is faking at least some of the excitement, because anyone with working eyesight and hearing can tell that Contact is indeed not a five star movie.

“Yes. A true classic,” Trixie declares, “but please tell me we are not watching it again in the near future? I don’t think I can survive another two and a half hours of Matthew McConaughey.”

“What do you mean? I plan to make you memorize the dialogue.”

The worst thing is that Trixie can’t tell if Katya is joking or not.

 

*

One day Violet tells them that people gossip about them. Katya’s reaction is more like “lmao wtf”, but Trixie becomes a bit worried. What if people think she’s not good enough for Katya? Katya’s always been… Well, if not popular, at least likeable. Trixie hasn’t been bullied, but she has never been the first choice in anything.

The thought doesn’t leave her alone, so she has to ask. She tries to be all casual about it, throwing the question in the middle of a conversation that Violet, Fame, and Katya are having.

“So, Violet, have you heard anything new? I mean, gossip-wise?” At first Trixie thinks she has succeeded in looking totally cool and unaffected, but when she looks at Katya, she realizes she has failed. Katya is looking at her with a certain look in her eyes. Trixie knows that look, and she can tell Katya knows what’s behind her question. It’s kind of amazing, Trixie thinks, that Katya can tell these things about her. 

After all, they haven’t known each other that long. Now that she thinks about it, their relationship or even their friendship is really fresh. They were friends for little over a month when they started dating, and they’ve dated for another month. No, actually it’s almost two months. They’ve known each other for three months.

Violet looks little surprised at Trixie’s question, but doesn’t refuse to answer. “Nothing new, really. The most popular one seems to be the one that people aren’t sure if you’re actually dating or not.”

Katya starts laughing after a moment of silence. Trixie is too dumbfounded to react quickly, and to be honest, she doesn’t find the situation funny. 

“Why would they think that?” Katya asks as soon as she has finished wheezing. 

“Apparently you two never hug or kiss each other,” Violet explains, “and Kandy told me that she heard you call Trixie “your dad’s fuckboy” once. That’s not exactly the most romantic thing in the world, is it?”

“They just don’t get real romance,” Katya huffs and glances at Trixie. “Right, Tracy?”

“Right,” Trixie accepts and smiles. Then the bell rings and they all leave for classes, Violet and Fame for Maths, Katya for her precious Advanced French and Trixie for Geography.

Trixie can’t concentrate on Africa right now. The things Violet told them are occupying her mind. Now when she thinks about it, the rumors are kind of realistic. They’re not true, of course, she and Katya are very much dating, but she can see why people would think they’re not dating. 

When they’re alone, on Katya’s couch or in Trixie’s queen-sized bed, no one can mistake them as just friends. When nobody sees them, they’re always close to each other. In example, when they were baking the German cake, Katya was always trying to get some flour on Trixie’s nose. That’s romantic.

But when they’re at school, they don’t really hug or kiss like they do behind the closed doors. Katya would certainly make it a social issue and start talking about internalized homophobia and all that other stuff, but it’s not really the case here. They’re probably just not used to physical contact. Katya is Trixie’s first girlfriend, and while they haven’t discussed Katya’s romantic past, she is pretty sure that she doesn’t have a line of broken hearts behind her.

And what comes to calling each other with inappropriate nicknames, Trixie has to keep herself from laughing. She would never call Kim or Violet or any of her friends with the names she calls Katya. If anything, it’s only a sign of love.

“Miss Mattel?” The teacher’s voice drags her out of her thoughts, and she has to focus on climate change and other issues again. She would rather focus on her and Katya’s relationship. Apparently the whole class is expecting her to answer to some question, and she sighs.

“Yes, yes, what was the question again?”

 

*

 

Katya is waiting her in the hallway when she gets out from the Geography class. She’s tired and her backpack feels like she’s carrying bricks in there. Seeing Katya makes her happier, but also a little bit envious, because she looks as fresh as ever. Even an eight-hour school day doesn’t lessen Katya’s glow.

“Hello, sugar plum,” Katya says as soon as she sees Trixie. Katya has started to call her with weird but also really adorable names. Trixie doesn’t mind, because who the hell minds being called things like honey or sweetie by their girlfriend? She certainly doesn’t. Sometimes Katya’s nicknames have a bit of imagination in them. Maple syrup and cheap cigarettes are just a start. Those are things Katya likes, so she’s okay with the names. At least the name is just cheap cigarettes and not Camel or Marlboro.

“How do you do that?” Trixie huffs, because she has to ask. If Katya’s drinking virgins’ blood to look that good, maybe she could share some with her.

“By stretching and talking to my pelvis muscles?”

“I’m not talking about your inhuman gymnastics skills, moron. I’m talking about how you look so goddamn good after an eight-hour school day.”

“Why thank you, Trixie, it’s always nice to get some compliments,” Katya grins and winks. Trixie has to keep herself from groaning frustratedly. 

“What’s your secret? Sacrificing baby lambs? Stealing Violet’s expensive skincare products? Tell me, so I can steal your tricks.”

“Well, if you insist,” Katya says and comes closer. “It’s this awesome thing called Being in Serious Love With Trixie Mattel. You should try it sometimes.”

 

*

 

They’re walking home from school together. Katya lives a mile from Trixie’s house, so whenever she can, she walks with Trixie. Trixie doesn’t have it in her to tell Katya that she would rather take the bus. It’s getting colder every day, and Trixie is usually already tired after school. But Katya seems to like their walks, so she isn’t complaining. It isn’t like she hates every step, far from it. She loves spending time with Katya, even if it means getting cold and and hurting feet.

Almost all the trees are now stripped from leaves. Katya goes to stroke every tree they walk past and whispers something positive to them. 

“They have a whole winter ahead of them! They deserve some love!” Katya exclaims while hugging a huge birch. Trixie looks around to see if anyone’s looking at them weirdly, but the park they’re at is empty. It’s probably a good thing. Trixie will never stop wondering why Katya has a reputation as a cool girl. She’s probably the uncoolest person she knows. But in a good way, Trixie thinks and looks at Katya. Definitely in a good way.

“I’m glad you have so much love to spare that you have to give it to trees,” Trixie says with an amused voice.

“I’m full of love. I love everything.”

“Even Katy Perry?”

“Let me rephrase: I love everything except Katy Perry.”

“That sounds more like you.”

“You hit me in my weak spot. I think I deserve some ice cream,” Katya winks at Trixie and laughs. Trixie tries to keep a straight face and fails miserably.

“A cup of crushed ice, that’s what you’ll get. Maybe some chocolate sauce with it if you’re nice.”

*

The bell rings. Trixie is still in the toilet and she has no intention to go to class. She’s leaning on the wall, eyes closed. She doesn’t want to look at the mirror, doesn’t want to see herself right now. Her makeup is probably smudged beyond repair, mascara and eyeliner creating black rivers on her cheeks. She doesn’t care.  
They had a fight. They have never fought before, not really. Their usual banter doesn’t count, because then Trixie can see the playful gleam in Katya’s eyes and she knows it’s okay. She didn’t see it this time.

The fight hadn’t been a fight, really. It was a combination of two sour moods. Trixie had received some harsh criticism from her Drama teacher. Apparently the teacher considered her acting “not good enough” which baffled Trixie immensely. She knows she is talented, so to hear that from a person who should appreciate her skills instead of bringing her down in the worst way was depressing.

Katya hadn’t been in a very good mood either. Someone had spilled red paint on her in Arts class, and while she probably wouldn’t have cared at all if the only thing ruined was her school uniform, the paint had destroyed the drawing she was currently working on. That accident had made Katya’s eight hours of work on said drawing completely pointless. 

So when they had met up after school as they had promised, neither of them was in an ideal mindset for a romantic afternoon.

It hadn’t been cute. Trixie had complained for a bit about the teacher, completely forgetting that she was one of Katya’s favourite teachers. Katya had listened to her whining for a while, until she had had enough and told Trixie to stop whining, because people would criticize her even harsher in the future and she shouldn’t let it get to her.

Of course Trixie knows now that Katya was and still is completely right. That didn’t stop her from being totally shocked and hurt when it was being said. At that moment, Trixie had thought that Katya was also criticizing her acting abilities. That had hurt a lot. She had thought that Katya would accept her as she is, but her words had felt like a slap straight to the face.

She had told Katya that she didn’t need rude people like her in her life. That she could spend her time with people who appreciated her. That apparently Katya wasn’t good enough for her.

The worst thing is that Katya hadn’t even said something after that. She had just turned and walked away.

No, that isn’t the worst thing. The worst thing is that Trixie had actually seen how hurt Katya was, and that hadn’t made her feel nothing else than utter garbage.

The reason Trixie’s now in the toilet and not in class is that Katya’s not talking to her. She doesn’t blame her, absolutely not. She wouldn’t want to speak to herself either. 

Katya’s been with Violet all day, even in lunch. Violet has been throwing mean looks at Trixie every time every time she looks at them, and Trixie doesn’t turn away from the gaze. It makes her feel like shit, but she deserves it. 100%.

Because Katya’s sitting with Violet and her other friends, Trixie is sitting alone. Kim took pity on her and tried to sit next to her, but realized soon that Trixie’s not very good company right now. That’s true. She has to physically keep herself from crying, because she feels so shitty. How could she do that to Katya? Katya is the nicest and most amazing person she will ever know. Trixie was completely wrong. She’s the one who isn’t good enough.

 

*

It’s been a week since their fight. Katya isn’t talking to Trixie, and Trixie has given up hope. She hasn’t dared to talk to Katya, let alone Violet, so she has just avoided them. She sleeps, she eats, she goes to school. That’s it. The rest of the time she just feels so bad that she tries to forget everything. It literally feels like the world’s end. She has no idea how she’s going to get through this, because it seems like Katya’s never talking to her again.

Trixie hadn’t realized how important Katya had become to her. She knows it now, and she wants to hit herself. Why am I so stupid, she asks from her reflection in the mirror. The reflection doesn’t answer. The real Trixie has no answer either. She had the best thing in the world right in front of her and she threw it all away.

Kim is completely fed up with her, so she leaves her alone. That’s what Trixie’s been asking her to do. She loves Kim, but she doesn’t want her to get caught in her sadness. Kim will understand. Kim always understands.

 

*

“Violet?”

“Kim? What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk. This is getting ridiculous.”

“I think I know what you mean. Let’s go.”

 

*

Trixie’s sitting in the toilet again. The bathroom has become her place for escape when everything else becomes a bit too much. She has never liked crowds, and now when she’s already feeling overwhelmed, it’s better to just stay away.

She’s writing a text message to Katya. She has started the message a hundred times but she has never finished it. She simply doesn’t know what to say. Trixie knows she’s fucked up royally, and she has no idea how to fix it. Even sending text message seems like an obstacle she can’t overcome. She doesn’t want to disturb Katya anymore. 

A sudden voice in the bathroom startles her. Usually no one comes here, but apparently someone has broken the pattern.

“Violet? Are you here?”

It’s a familiar voice. It’s a voice she hasn’t heard in a while. It’s a voice she’s been missing like crazy. It’s Katya, and when she sees Trixie she looks puzzled.

Trixie has trouble breathing.

“S-she’s not here,” Trixie says quietly, her voice breaking a little. Katya notices, of course she notices.

“I’ll go, I’m sorry, I’m sure you guys have something important, I’m sorry,” Trixie gets up and tries to leave.

“Don’t go,” Katya looks at Trixie with a serious look in her eyes. “Don’t run away.”

Trixie stops at once. There’s so many things she has wanted to say to Katya for the past week, but now none of them come to her mind. She just looks at Katya, mind blank and makeup once again messed up.

“You look like shit,” Katya comments suddenly. 

“I know,” Trixie responds. She looks like shit, she feels like shit, she is shit. “Katya, I-”

“Trixie,”

They start to talk at the same time, and both of them stop at the same time. Katya nods at Trixie to go first and she obliges.

“I’m so sorry. I know this probably won’t make things better but I’m still so sorry, I was so rude to you and you didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to forgive me but like, I’m so sorry and I was so wrong about everything. Sorry. I miss you so much. I can’t do anything because the only thing I think of is you and how I fucked up so bad that I might never get to hug you or kiss you again. And that’s killing me. I’m so sorry.”

Trixie’s fully crying now. She’s not a pretty crier, but she doesn’t care at all right now. She just wants Katya to know that she’s so so so sorry.

“Trixie, don’t cry, please don’t cry, you know I hate crying,” Katya soothes her, and her voice is kinder than Trixie deserves.

“I c-can’t help it,” Trixie sniffs but tries to tone it down. The last thing she wants to do is annoy Katya.

“I’m going to give you a hug now. Is that okay?” Katya asks. She actually asks. That almost makes Trixie cry even more, but instead she just nods and lets Katya to hug her.

She has missed Katya’s hugs so much. Even though she is bigger than Katya, she always feels so small when Katya is hugging her. It’s a wonderful feeling.

“Okay, listen up,” Katya’s voice is a bit muffled because she’s talking into Trixie’s hair. “I admit, I was seriously hurt for a while. I’m not blaming you, you told me you had a shitty day. Everyone has those. But the thing you need to learn is a way to express those feelings healthily. I don’t think you wanted to hurt me, you just lashed out at the nearest person. You clearly haven’t been feeling good about that, haven’t you?” Trixie shakes her head and Katya makes a reaffirming noise.

“Right. But the thing I need you to know is that I’m not angry at you. Anymore. Believe me, I was at first. But then I saw you being all sad and I thought that hey, I fucking love that person so much. I couldn’t stand seeing you miserable.”

“I’m sorry,” Trixie says again, because she hasn’t said it enough yet.

“I know. But to be honest, you’re the one who has been hurting more. I’m sorry that I didn’t speak to you earlier. I probably still wouldn’t, unless Violet tricked me into coming here.”

“What?”

“She sent me a text saying that she needed help with her corset. Of course I realize now that it was a lie to get me to talk to you.”

“I love Violet so much.”

“Me too. But I love you more. Now, could we kiss and make up and then kiss like girls?”

“Was there two Katy Perry references in that sentence?”

“The things I do for you.”

*

The next day, when Katya and Trixie show up at school holding hands, Kim and Violet give each other a high five for a job well done.


End file.
